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23 December 2017 @ 06:27 am
Kim Jonghyun,

You may not know me personally, but I am one of the thousands of SHINee World who have been supporting your days as an idol, singer, and songwriter.

I don't really know what to say up until now as I write this. I may not know the exact words I'd want to say to you ever.

You have been one of the main people that I gain strength and motivation to go on with my own life, and even just by saying that I know it added more burden to you than comfort. I am sorry.

I honestly feel guilty that I didn't give much effort or time towards your solo activities. My personal life became a priority during your last hours. I wanted to join you in your last concert, but again, I thought it was a stupid idea to go back to Korea just to watch you. It was selfish of me and these thoughts will have a lasting effect in my heart.. I shouldn't take everything for granted.

I know I shouldn't be saying these things, but it is true that you get to only appreciate everything once it is gone. And it may be hard for me to accept this, but the sad reality is that you're gone.

The Kim Jonghyun that binds everything in SHINee is gone.
The Kim Jonghyun that has changed a lot about people's views on K-Pop idols and the whole music industry is gone.
The Kim Jonghyun thas was such a good son and brother to his family.

For a fan who has been stuggling and gaining strength through your music, this is hard to take in. Your pictures, videos, songs, everything about you screams that you are still alive. But you're not. The frustration of not knowing you personally has been in my head for so long since I want to be closer to you and be the support you need. We've known you've always been suffering. Even before.

The most frustrating thing about being a fan is that you cannot return the same support they bring you back to your idols. You have shared time and time again your struggles with us, even if you brush it up and say to us, "Don't worry about it. I'm fine." Your sleepless nights, loss of appetite, struggling to smile for the cameras... even just those simple remarks you've shared in ments, interviews, and in Blue Night are all scream of your struggle in dealing with depression.

Yet, most people say that depression is just something in your head that you can fight. I know you've heard that a thousand times to countless of people you've tried talking to about your struggles. It invalidates your pain, making you feel more alone than ever.

I also have moments like that. It may not be in any comparison to yours, but I do understand how it is fighting the demons in you which no one sees, hears, feels, or even acknowledges it exists. I've also been struggling to keep a positive attitude in life since most people do think you're being overly dramatic, seeking attention, being weak if you're showing struggles of being happy.

It must have been way worse for you, especially when you're in front of a thousands of faces expecting you to be the beam of light for them. Even I'm guilty of expecting it from you. Our only close encounter back in 2015 was the only time I've really seen your pained face behind the camera. While the rest of the members were smiling and interacting with us, you were just standing in the corner - your face tired and unhappy. I thought then that you were just not in the mood that day, and just let you be.

I remembered it when the news came out. That must have always been your face for so long and people just brush it off as tired. Your closest people may have known, but the rest of the world just thought you were tired, moody, sleepy, or anything else other than struggling. It must have been really difficult and I'm very sorry to be part of your demons. I'm truly sorry none of us here in this world have helped you alleviate your pain.

I hope that right now, all your demons have cease to exist... that you are in a better place where only happiness and peace fills you.
You may be gone from this world, but your memory will forever be with us.
Rest well, Kim Jonghyun. You have done great in this world.
수고했어요. 정말 고생했어요. 그댄 우리의 자랑이죠. 김좋현.

If you happen to see my grandmother there, please tell her you were one of the reasons I chose to study and pursue Korean as a career.
We're still mourning over her lost this year and misses her so much, but her words and memories keep us going.
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